An Episode of Not Quite Dead.

Content Warnings

• Allusions to sex
• Double entendre
• Mentions of deliberate rib-breaking
• Brief description of spelunking

Transcript

[SOUNDS OF THE SEA]

[STRUMS OF A GUITAR] 

[NEIGE HUMS ABSENTLY] 

ALFIE
(yawning)
You’re up. 

NEIGE
Oui. Desole, did I wake you? 

ALFIE
Yeah. But that’s alright. Where’s the guitar from? 

NEIGE
Borrowed it from someone at the hotel down the beach. He kept playing the same three chords. very pretty, not a thought in his head. 

ALFIE
You got on, then. 

NEIGE
We did. But I’ve spared his poor girlfriend the guitar. He was very drunk. He’ll think he left it somewhere. 

ALFIE
Not if he hears you playing it. 

NEIGE
He won’t. You forget, humans cannot hear that far. 

ALFIE
Hmm. 

NEIGE
What? 

ALFIE
I did forget. It’s weird, that’s all. 

NEIGE
Okie. If you say so. 

[HE STRUMS IDLY A LITTLE MORE[

ALFIE
Can you actually play, or are you just pissing about? 

NEIGE
Hmm. I never really practised much. Easier than a lyre, though. That is an instrument you have to properly understand to play it. A guitar is a little more user friendly. My favourite is a harp, though.

ALFIE
Of course it is. 

NEIGE
Is that judgement in your tone?

ALFIE
No. Fondness. Amusement. You are so completely yourself. 

NEIGE
Who else would I be? 

ALFIE
Exactly. 

NEIGE
I was thinking about where we go next. 

ALFIE
Yeah? 

NEIGE
There is a beach in Brazil, don’t interrupt I will take you to Rio I know you want to go, but that’s not what I’m thinking of. This one is out of the way. It’s not completely isolated; plenty of humans go there so we won’t starve if you want to stay a while. But it’s four hours off the beaten track. Quiet. 

ALFIE
Tired of Peru already? 

NEIGE
No. But you’re getting bored. 

ALFIE
No. Restless, I think. It’s weird to not be doing anything. Nowhere to go. Nothing we need to do, not right now. Nothing pressing. 

NEIGE
Hmm. Yes. You’ve forgotten how to live outside of chaos. That’s normal, when you have been in chaos for so long. 

ALFIE
It was only a couple of years. 

NEIGE
A significant percentage of the scant handful you’ve lived through. 

ALFIE
(Sighing)
I guess. 

[NEIGE STRUMS THE GUITAR AGAIN] 

ALFIE
I hope you didn’t walk back like that. 

NEIGE
Why? Nobody could see me. 

ALFIE
Pity I slept through it. 

NEIGE
You’re awake now. 

ALFIE
I am. 

NEIGE
I don’t think the girl will mind I took these. She insisted I looked better in them than she did. 

ALFIE
I would put good money on her being right. 

[NEIGE LAUGHS] 

NEIGE
What money? 

ALFIE
A million pounds. I’m sure I could get that if I sold another one of those painted pots you had in Rome. 

NEIGE
Eh, not a million, not for one. Maybe half. 

ALFIE
Ludicrous. 

NEIGE
Lewd. 

ALFIE
Yeah. 

NEIGE
What about after Brazil? 

ALFIE
Hmm? 

NEIGE
I fear I am railroading our travels a little bit. 

ALFIE
You can railroad me whenever you like. 

NEIGE
You must have thought about places you’d like to go. 

ALFIE
Singapore, maybe? I don’t know. 

NEIGE
I like Singapore.

ALFIE
Yeah? 

NEIGE
I do. 

ALFIE
Then that’s where we should go after Brazil. 

NEIGE
I was thinking then, maybe Normandy. 

ALFIE
France. 

NEIGE
Oui. 

ALFIE
It’s pretty close to England.

NEIGE
Yes. But it will have been a year, by then. I think we can risk it. 

ALFIE
What if someone comes looking for us? 

NEIGE
Then if they are nice I will invite them in. If they are not I will tear off their head. 

ALFIE
Definitive. 

NEIGE
I’m nothing but. 

ALFIE
I don’t know. 

NEIGE
About me being definitive? 

ALFIE
About France. 

NEIGE
Ah. I see. Why? 

ALFIE
It’s too soon. 

NEIGE
You are thinking on vampire timelines, mon râleur. 

ALFIE
It’s the vampires I’m worried about. 

NEIGE
Eh, you shouldn’t be. 

ALFIE
No? 

NEIGE
Non. If they still wanted you dead I’d have killed them. Definitive, remember? 

ALFIE
Well. I’m sure some of them would want that. 

NEIGE
Perhaps. But I think they will leave us alone. 

ALFIE
Because of the tapes? 

NEIGE
Oui. 

ALFIE
You’ve got a lot more confidence in me than I have. 

NEIGE
Why shouldn’t I? 

ALFIE
I don’t know. 

NEIGE
I’m disappointed. 

ALFIE
Oh. Sorry. 

NEIGE
I thought you would have a more significant reaction to the harness and the stockings. 

ALFIE
I am having a pretty significant reaction. It’s definitely not insignificant. I’m. Compartmentalising. 

NEIGE
Ah. Why? 

ALFIE
Longer I keep you talking, longer you stay sitting like that. 

NEIGE
I see. 

ALFIE
Tell me something I don’t know.

NEIGE
That gives me a lot of options. 

ALFIE
Yep. Go on. 

NEIGE
Ah, let me see. Have you ever been cave diving? 

ALFIE
No? Why the fuck would I do that? Caves and underwater. Death trap. 

NEIGE
You are forgetting we do not need to breathe. 

ALFIE
I still don’t want to get stuck underwater in a tiny dark hole. 

NEIGE
This is fair, I suppose. I became very interested it it for a while. It was not long before I met Casper. 

ALFIE
So you had a bit of death wish? 

NEIGE
Eh, non. It’s not that terrifying, as I say, we do not need to breathe and if I was stuck I could just break my ribs to fit through a smaller gap. 

ALFIE
Fuck, that’s disgusting. 

NEIGE
Practical, that’s what it is. 

ALFIE
I still don’t want to go cave diving. 

NEIGE
I thought you wanted a story, not an itinerary. 

ALFIE
No, I did. I just. I want to do something that neither of us have done before, you know? Something new, not something you’re teaching me about. 

NEIGE
Hmm.

ALFIE
What haven’t you done? 

NEIGE
You may as well ask me what I do not know. The list of things I have not done or do not recall doing is long and abundant, I’m sure, but not having done them, I’m not privy to it. 

ALFIE
That’s fair. What about… jumping from a plane? Have you done that? 

NEIGE
Non. What an absurd thing to do. 

ALFIE
Says the guy who breaks his ribs to fit through small gaps in flooded tunnels. 

NEIGE
It’s not that I’m afraid of it!

ALFIE
Well maybe that’s what we should do. 

NEIGE
Do you want to jump from a plane? 

ALFIE
I mean. Not really. 

NEIGE
So why would we do it? 

ALFIE
Paragliding. Have you done that? 

NEIGE
Are all of your suggestions going to be related to extreme sports? 

ALFIE
You started with spelunking, I’m just staying in genre. 

NEIGE
And it’s got nothing to do with the outfit. 

ALFIE
Yeah about 50% of my attention is completely consumed by that but you know. I’m doing my best. 

NEIGE
I can think of something we have never done. We have not walked off this terrace down to the beach and undressed on the sand together. 

ALFIE
We definitely have. 

NEIGE
Not tonight. Not like this. 

ALFIE
No? 

NEIGE
The thing with humans is that they have very blunt teeth, Alfie. 

ALFIE
Mmhmm. 

NEIGE
It’s left me wholly unsatisfied. I’m looking for something a little sharper. 

ALFIE
Hmm, I’m sure I can accommodate you. 

NEIGE
How coy. 

ALFIE
I can be, you know. 

NEIGE
There are some sides of you I am yet to explore.

ALFIE
Dressed like that, I’ll be anything you want. 

NEIGE
What a tempting offer. 

[END]