An Episode of Not Quite Dead.

Episode Content Warnings

Please bear in mind that this show is a work of horror fiction and frequently places characters in situations which jeopardise their psychological and physical health. This episode contains:

– profanity

– threats of violence, including implied threat of violence to a minor

– discussion of traumatic injury

– mentions near-death experiences

– references to medical procedures

– coughing and labored breathing

– descriptions of medical treatment

– sounds of a character in distress and physical pain

Transcript

Alfie’s been going through some… changes. Things haven’t worked out the way he’d expected. He didn’t expect them to work out at all. Turns out this is the kind of thing he should have worried about in advance…

I’m not dead! I’m not dead.

ALFIE LAUGHS AND IT FADES AWAY INTO NOTHING

ALFIE

Not quite anyway.

INTRO MUSIC. EIRA: This is Not Quite Dead, Episode Fifteen, Chrysallis.

ALFIE

So um. Recording for posterity, I guess.

At some point in the last few days, I don’t know when, I can’t remember because–

It doesn’t matter why. But I drank approximately 0.65 litres of vampire blood, with a view to. In an attempt to. Because I was trying to become a vampire.

I did this because– because otherwise I was going to die. I didn’t make this change lightly, I wasn’t coerced, and I’m not dead, and I think– I think it’s worked, but it’s like. It’s not as total a transformation as I was expecting. I’m… well. I’m definitely different. I feel like I could snap a tree. But also my entire body hurts and my throat feels like it’s on fire and it has since– well. Since I ran out of the blood bags in the fridge. I even tried drinking some saline but–

ALFIE LAUGHS

Yeah that didn’t help, didn’t help!

There are no studies about this. No records of the change. I recorded what happened after I drank the blood, but I’ve not listened back to it yet. Maybe I should have had a video feed or something, but I… I don’t know.

I can feel the places I was injured before. It’s less pronounced, for sure, but I can still feel them. It’s like. I don’t know. It’s like it’s not happened all at once. I don’t know what I was expecting. It’s pretty dramatic but–

Mmmf.

It doesn’t feel total. It doesn’t feel complete. I don’t know how to articulate this.

I can smell every person in this apartment building and oh god.

It’s so odd because they don’t smell different than they would have before, you know, I can smell a small and it’s the smell of people. Obviously I couldn’t smell anyone through walls and ceilings before so there’s that but also like. They smell. Good. Appetising.

Saying they smell like food is missing something fundamental about how much like people they smell, they do not smell like a roast dinner or something they smell the same as they did before only now? Now I want to eat them.

Which is an experience, for sure.

So uh.

Yeah I woke up and I drank the blood and I don’t even really remember doing that, honestly I just remember the moments after. My apartment is a wreck and I feel like– I don’t– I have sort of out-of-body memories of doing it. I was searching for the blood in the fridge, I think, but I don’t feel connected to the memory at all. It’s like I wasn’t in my head when it was happening, like I was watching a film of it all, or watching through a window or… I don’t know.

Sorry, I’m talking a lot. Sorry.

Why am I apologising there’s nobody here, it’s literally just me and my laptop.

Fuck.

What am I going to do?

I–

I feel.

I feel dangerous. I–

What if I go out and someone stands too close and– god. What will I do? What am I going to do? I can’t just– I don’t want to kill people!

Oh shit.

ALFIE DRAWS A SHAKY BREATH

You know I honestly–

A PANICKED LAUGH ESCAPES FROM ALFIE

I really thought I was going to die and I have not thought about this part at all. Like. I had a vague idea that I’d need blood, of course, I knew concretely I’d need it but. Man. Cas, when we was hurt that day, when he came to me in the hospital, that was the most I’d ever seen him feed, almost two pints of my blood, he took, and he was not seriously injured. That was just to heal normal use of his body and some exposure to sunlight and it took two pints, and I am a new vampire, my whole body has just got healed, of course I’m going to need more that two pints of blood. Of course.

God I should have thought this through, I should have considered it. I really– what am I going to– oh. I am having a panic attack.

THINGS CLATTER

I can still have panic attacks, good to know. Good to know.

ALFIE BREATHES IN DEEPLY, AND OUT AGAIN

Okay, I’m going to just, I’m going to sit here and uh.

What can I see? What can I see. Um. Mess, everywhere is a mess, and. Ugh. Casper’s jacket is on the door. Um. I’m down the side of the mattress, now. My duvet is on the floor. That’s where I. Where I did it. The change.

I’ve been sitting in the living room for most of the time I’ve been making these recordings, it’s just felt better, and it’s been hard to be in this room because it’s so– there’s so much Casper in here. He never officially moved in but. He’s all over this room.

ALFIE DRAWS A SHAKY BREATH

Not helping, not helping. What can I hear?

A BEAT OF QUIET

Cars outside on the road. Footsteps, in the flat above. Thud thud; two heartbeats, close to each other. And another one, a third. That one’s small. Fluttering. The kid next door? Yeah, that’s it, I remember when she was newborn she had problems with her mitral valve, it was very stressful. That wasn’t long before Cas, really. She’s sleeping. It’s barely there, just a little trickle back of blood through the valve. She’s small for her age; she’s got less than two pints of blood in her whole body. Drain it out it would fill less than four coke bottles. The parents, though. She’s nine pints, but him? He’s almost twelve pints of blood, just walking around. I– I wouldn’t have to kill him, even I could just–

What– what am I.

How would I even…?

Knock on the door ask him to help me with something in my flat. I don’t know them well. He– what does he do. What’s his job. A teacher, maybe? I can’t remember. He’s tall though. My cat is in the ceiling? Maybe? Would that work?

Even if it did, once I had him down here, what would I even do? Do I just… bite him?

Wait, my teeth.

ALFIE GASPS

Ouch, my tongue. They’re sharp. Like Cas’ were.

I’m bleeding

Ugh, oh it’s making it worse. My own blood in my mouth, it’s like drinking salt water when you’re dying of thirst.

I– I think I could break the skin pretty easily if I went at it at the right angle. He’s seven, eight inches taller than me, though. I’d need leverage. Maybe something high up is bad. I need him low, crouched over. I’ll say there’s something wrong with the pipes under the sink. If I look fay and feeble enough he might take pity on me. I just need him to crouch and then I can come at him from behind and get a good grip, and then, oh, then I can bite, I can bite, I can drink I–

A THUD. DISTANTLY A CHILD CRIES.

God what the fuck am I saying. I can’t do that. No.

No.

But I need to do something, I need to– I need blood.

Fucking hell, how did Cas manage this? When I was right there, right under him. It must have been torture to be so close without draining me dry. Every little bite must have been like edging himself, he– oh, man, he was really into that wasn’t he?

ALFIE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I knew he was messed up but that’s just delicious.

But it doesn’t help me, does it? Newly turned, he had Antoinette. It sounds like they were menaces. I don’t want to be a menace. I don’t– I need someone to show me when the hell I’m supposed to be doing here because right now I just– I have no idea.

Okay. I just need to think. If I was Casper, what would I be teaching me, right now? Um. Oh! The hospital. That’s where Cas got his blood from; he took it from the patients who could spare it.

Right, okay, I know, I’ll call work. I haven’t been in for like four months but it’s fine, isn’t it? It’s fine, it’ll have to be fine. Jesus what is wrong with me. Um. Yeah. Fine. I’ll call them and tell them I had really bad flu, and I lost my phone, and I’m better now so I can come in, and I’ll do what Cas used to do. I’ll steal from the people who don’t need it and. Yeah. That’s a plan, isn’t it.

I just have to make the twenty minute walk across town, that’s all.

Um.

It’ll be fine.

I can– I can hear people’s heartbeats. I’m sure– I’m not an animal, am I, I can walk down the street without losing my mind and drinking all of everyone’s blood? That’s totally– it’s possible for me to do that I can manage that. I just need more blood. If I get more blood I’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay. Yeah. Just, that has to be the first priority. More blood. Because I can’t think right now, I can’t get my thoughts to settle down all I can do is smell all these people and hear the thud thud thud of their hearts and I am going to go insane. I am going to go absolutely insane if it doesn’t stop. p

NEIGE

Ah, souris, you are awake.

CRASH, HISSING

NEIGE

Get off me, imbecile.

ALFIE

TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!

NEIGE

In another circumstance, say, one where you are not sitting on my chest, we could be friends. We have a mutual acquaintance. 

ALFIE

You– you know Cas?

NEIGE

Cas, Casper, Lord of the Shit Pile, pain in my ass, whatever you want to call him! Yes!

ALFIE

You don’t want to kill me.

NEIGE

I didn’t before but the longer you sit on me the shorter my patience is getting.

ALFIE

I– oh. Sorry.

RUSTLING. OBJECTS FALL.

NEIGE

Zut alors, now I have this shit all over my jacket. What a mess. I didn’t bring a change of clothes.

ALFIE SNIFFS

ALFIE

You were here before. You’re the one–

NEIGE

Whose blood was the last part of your métamorphose? I am Neige. The pleasure is all yours. You are welcome.

ALFIE

I’m… what?

NEIGE

You are welcome to me, saving your life. I did save your life, you know. You understand this? Is it going through your thick skull?

ALFIE

I am very confused.

NEIGE

Of course you are. Some two years listening to mon petit Casper wheeling on and on about how hard his life has been. Oh wah, wah. Hours and hours of this shit, honestly. I feel for you, I really do.

ALFIE

You listened to the tapes.

NEIGE

Ugh. They were just sitting there, and there were hours and hours to kill before you woke up. What were you expecting me to do, just sit here? Non. There were plenty of racy bits to keep me interested but I’m so, so, so sorry you had to listen to him whine for that long, I’d have come sooner if I’d realised. You’d think, after all this time, he would call me for help, but non.

ALFIE

He– why– why would he call you, who are you to him?

NEIGE

Oh, mon cheri, we have been many things to each other over the years, but now I’m just the one who cleans up his messes. Apparently. Though it has to be said; for an happy accident, he has done quite well with you.

ALFIE

Uh. Thanks?

NEIGE

Ach, I’m getting ahead of myself, where are my manners? Here, take this; you’ll need it.

ALFIE

Is that… blood?

NEIGE

Yes, it is a bag of blood.

ALFIE

Where did you get it?

NEIGE

Does it matter?

ALFIE
(whispering)

Yeah, it matters.

NEIGE

Zut alors, he’s really got to you hasn’t he? Oh well, no matter, I know how to fix this. I drink, you drink from me, d’accord?

ALFIE

From you? Really?

NEIGE

Oui. Acceptable?

ALFIE

Okay. But. How?

NEIGE

I will sit here, and you will sit there, and I will just–

NEIGE HISSES THROUGH HIS TEETH

NEIGE

Just a little cut. You drink from here, you see?

ALFIE

I’m sorry.

NEIGE

No, no, just let me help you. You’ll feel better after, I promise. Don’t worry at all. It’s all going to be okay.

END

EIRA: Not Quite Dead is written, performed, and edited by Eira Major, under a Creative Commons 4.0 Attribution License. Live, laugh, bite.

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