An Episode of Not Quite Dead.

Episode Content Warnings

Please bear in mind that this show is a work of horror fiction and frequently places characters in situations which jeopardise their psychological and physical health. This episode contains:

– profanity

– depiction and descriptions of injections – vein access, cannulas, blood draws, infusions

– references to implied sex and sexual acts

– descriptions of violence

– depictions of drinking blood

– mentions of violent medical abuse and torture, including vivisection (of vampires)

– sounds of characters in emotional distress

– implications of past physical abuse and trauma

– mentions of violent murder and killing

– scenes with sexual and violent implications

– sounds of medical equipment

Transcript

Went into the city with Neige last night.

A FIRE IS CRACKLING

He said some stuff I want to remember, and I didn’t have a phone on me, I wasn’t recording him, so.

He mentioned that he is frustrated with me about the Casper thing partly because he’s pretty sure Cas would not want this. Like. His implication was–

I don’t know, he seemed to be suggesting that Casper wanted to die, that him going to Bonham wasn’t just about trying to save me, it was also about ending his own life, which to me? That sounds insane, right? Like. He was a miserable bastard but did he actually have a death wish? Surely if he did, he… like, wouldn’t he be dead? If he wanted to be dead? Like he’s been knocking around for a couple of hundred years, that’s a long time to not die if dying’s what you really want?

This fire needs more wood.

SOUNDS OF WOOD BEING MOVED AROUND, THEN THROWN ONTO THE STILL-CRACKLING FIRE

There.

Not sure why I… it never occurs to me, you know, to be warm. But in the city last night, it was warm. I’d forgotten. I don’t feel the cold now, not in a way I notice, but warmth is. It’s. Nice. Everything in this house is cold. It’s only October but. It feels like the dead of winter.

FIRE CRACKLES

I don’t know, maybe I’m being dense about Casper. Maybe it’s not that he was suicidal like that. Maybe it’s more like. When people sign DNRs or have arrangements with their families about when to turn of life support. Maybe it’s like that. Except he’s not getting support and he’s not alive and he’s not rotting and he should be.

Or. I remember Cas saying to me once, vampires don’t rot, not exactly, they just. Crumble. From what I’m reading about the way our bodies look? It sounds like we kind of. Dry out.

And yeah it’s occurred to me that he could be mummified like that, somehow, that because of whatever happens to our tissues when we change, whatever makes them more fibrous or whatever, maybe I’m just not looking for the right signs, but. He’s. Soft. His skin is soft. He feels like he’s– well. Like he’s sleeping. But he just doesn’t wake up.

There are PET scans there, in the notes, but I need to read the paperwork more closely, but one thing I’m pretty certain of is that you can kill a vampire two ways. You can drain them of all blood, which takes ages, and then they take ages to die, or you can destroy the brain stem, which is quicker. But. Something weird about all this paperwork is that it’s missing some foundational stuff. There’s a mention in a few places of something called ‘infection cascade’. I thought at first they were talking about the cascade effect in immune responses, where your immune system gets engaged in a runaway effect when trying to respond to an illness, but the context seems to make that unlikely, especially when I consider all the times this term comes up. But it’s just not described anywhere.

There’s also not a proper description of the change into a vampire. Like they clearly know, and they keep making reference to scattered terms which I’m pretty sure relate to the process of vampirification, but like. There’s no explanation of them, and it’s impossible to work out their definitions through context. It’s a nightmare.

Maybe Bonham gave some kind of speech to everyone. Maybe I’m missing some kind of key text. I don’t know, I just don’t have a solid understand of the foundations for this stuff, and I only have so much medical training. I am a nurse; I am great at looking after people. I know a lot about dosage and monitoring conditions, I can dress wounds, I can suture, I can read x-rays and CTs and do ultrasounds. I only know the broader stuff through my own reading and that’s been very focused around my personal interests, which hasn’t really got anything to do with epidemiology or diagnostics or… genetics? Fuck knows what else I’d need to understand for all of this to just snap into place in my head. Like, if I could have five years to read, to practice, maybe I could get there. Actually, I’m certain I’d be able to. But I just. I don’t have that time, do I? Bonham has been killing people. There are vampires out there, new and old, vulnerable–!

There just isn’t time.

FIRE CRACKLES

And then there’s Casper…

ALFIE SIGHS

If I could just look at his brain activity, maybe? Maybe that’d tell me. Maybe then I’d…

ALFIE SIGHS

At least there have been fewer half-mades since we destroyed the lab. But not zero. We’ve slowed him down but we’ve not stopped him. Somehow, I think the only way he can be stopped is to kill him.

But maybe I’ve been spending too much time with Neige. He’s very. Yeah. A lot of stories he tells seem to end with him killing a vampire.

Maybe I should fear for my life.

THE FIRE CRACKLES

Needs more wood.

SOUNDS OF WOOD BEING MOVED AROUND, THEN THROWN ONTO THE STILL-CRACKLING FIRE

ALFIE SIGHS

It’s really warming up in here.

Maybe I should call Neige. He’s still in the house, I think. I’d have heard him leave. And I. You know. I feel it. In my gut. He’s close. Near Casper, maybe? But. But Neige won’t even look at him, really. Not for long, not whilst—

ALFIE SIGHS. THE FIRE CRACKLES.

I think he’s angrier about Casper than he’s letting on. I think he’s angry Cas is dead, angry I’m trying to like. What am I trying to do? Save him, I think? He’s not rotting. I can’t put him in the ground if he’s not decomposing, whatever you want to call it. Maybe Bonham’s just stumbled on the world’s best embalming method, I don’t know, but. If there’s a chance he’s in there, I can’t let him go. I just can’t.

Casper saved me. He killed people to save me, even though he tried to never kill. He risked everything for me. He went to Bonham because of me. It’s my fault this has happened to him, my fault he’s stuck like this, so if there is any, even miniscule chance for me to fix it, it is my fucking obligation to find that chance and make it work.

I have to.

It was… odd. To hunt with Neige again. After everything that’s happened, to be out in the world, side by side, it was strange. I was surprised to find that it didn’t feel bad. I thought it would, you know, because he’s– well, he’s a fucking liar, isn’t he? How can I trust him? But I do, sorta. I trust him not to hurt me and not to let me go too far, and that reassurance is nice, you know?

I. I don’t know. I feel weirdly ashamed. I feel like I shouldn’t have had a good time. I feel like I should have hated it, hated him. But he just. He’s Neige, you know? And it’s been so —

Without him it’s very.

And it was warm, at the hotel in the city. The water in the showers was hot. I love the smell of him when his skin is damp, no I don’t love it. It’s just nice. It’s. Yeah.

A little more, I think.

SOUNDS OF WOOD BEING MOVED AROUND, THEN THROWN ONTO THE STILL-CRACKLING FIRE

It’s just that.

I know he would have slept on the floor, if I’d asked. He’d have left. He’d be gone. Yeah, there’s that pull, that tug towards each other we feel, but he never tasted my blood when I was human and I never drank his back then either so it’ll fade, Neige says, if I let it. He says if I want it to be gone, it can be gone, if I can wait a few years, maybe a decade or two.

Neige says that. That bonds forged between humans and vampires last longer. The balled up strings inside of me, the thing that drew me to Casper, that horrible mess of knots and chains and invisible strings. That’ll fade one day. If I live to be a hundred, it’ll be gone, he thinks.

If.

ALFIE SIGHS

But it’s not looking likely, not the way things are now, not with what I’ve decided. Because I have to stop Bonham, I have to make sure this never, ever happens again, and that means. It means impossible shit, stupid shit. It means telling people about vampires and according to Neige that means the vampires will come for me.

According to Neige.

Fuck Neige.

When I asked him to leave, after we brought Cas home. He didn’t argue. He just. Went. He didn’t say anything at all. I didn’t have a number for him, I didn’t have anything, he was just gone. Gone.

Well, it wasn’t exactly nothing. I had that feeling in me. That sense I might be able to find him if I followed the unease in the pit of my stomach. That feeling of something, like a tether between us. So I knew he was alright, or at least broadly alright, and I guess he knew the same about me.

When he’s close by, it’s all just that little bit simpler, you know? Like that part of my head that’s thinking about that feeling in me, that tug in my chest? It’s quieter, when he’s around.

Really, this is what gives me hope about Cas. Because it’s not gone, that tie between us. And fucking hell I’m so terrified of it going. I’m so scared of that knot inside me that is my connection to him just being gone. I’m so scared that if– if we burn him maybe. Maybe it will fade faster.

But I don’t want it to fade at all. I want Casper to be okay. I need him to be okay. Otherwise what have I done. What am I doing? Did I want this life for me.

If I hadn’t had a Casper to find, would I have let myself become this thing that I’ve become?

Did I even want this?

Did I?

NEIGE
(distantly)
Alfie. Get in here.

ALFIE
Neige? Is everything okay?

FOOTSTEPS

NEIGE
Just come here.

DOOR OPENS

ALFIE GASPS

ALFIE
Cas– Casper, what— What did you do to him?!

CRASH

NEIGE
Alfie!

ALFIE
Shh, Casper darling… 

NEIGE
Look at his mouth!

ALFIE GASPS

ALFIE
Blood. The sockets from his teeth. They’re– they’re weeping blood.

NEIGE
What can I do?

ALFIE
Um, uh. Draw your own–

NEIGE
Oh, fuck that.

ALFIE
No don’t just– !

NEIGE
Come on, Casper! Drink, drink.

A MOMENT OF QUIET

NEIGE
(desperately)
Drink. 

ALFIE
Nothing.

NEIGE
Poutain de merde.

ALFIE
I… fuck. Let’s. Let’s get him back on the table.

SOUNDS OF MOVEMENT AND EFFORT. THE GENTLE KNOCKS OF A BODY AGAINST METAL.

ALFIE
There you are, there you are. Beautiful boy.

NEIGE
Stop. Stop it.

ALFIE
What?

NEIGE
This is all too much, Alfie, I just— I can’t.

ALFIE
You can’t what?

NEIGE
Please. Alfie. It’s time.

ALFIE
(darkly)
What were you doing in here?

NEIGE
I did not touch him.

ALFIE
(furious)
  Were you going to burn him!

NEIGE
Of course not!

ALFIE
If you lay a hand on him–

NEIGE
Then what, Alfie?! What is this? What are you going to do? Attack me, eh? You really think you could overpower me?

ALFIE
I did it last night.

NEIGE
Ha. No. You did not. You sprang on me without warning.

ALFIE
I could take you. I’m bigger than you.

NEIGE
Size isn’t everything. I don’t want to fight.

ALFIE
Maybe I do.

NEIGE
I have killed more vampires than you have ever even seen.

ALFIE
Are you threatening me?

NEIGE
I’m warning you.

ALFIE
Bite me.

NEIGE
No.

ALFIE LAUGHS SOURLY

NEIGE
Stop it. I’m sick of you being this way. Stop.

ALFIE
Maybe you should have just let me die.

SLAP

NEIGE
How dare you. How dare you!

ALFIE
I’m useless.

NEIGE
What is— what in the name of any god inspired this nonsense?!

ALFIE
I can’t– I can’t fix him. I– I can’t fix him.

NEIGE
What?

ALFIE
I– I—  I’ve been trying to fix him and it won’t WORK, what is the point of me?

NEIGE
None! Nothing! Ce n’est pas! Le rien! Stop being this way!

ALFIE
What way?

NEIGE
Like him!

A HEAVY SILENCE

ALFIE
(quietly)
Maybe that’s what I want to be.

NEIGE
Shut up. Stop. Enough.

ALFIE
You said I could take all the time I needed.

NEIGE
It has been months and you are still obsessed. You aren’t grieving.

ALFIE
It looks different for everyone.

NEIGE
It does not look like this. Little love, you have his body on a table in the backroom.

ALFIE
What if he’s still in there!

NEIGE
You would have reached him by now.

ALFIE
Don’t say that! Don’t ask me to stop.

NEIGE
I wouldn’t. I’m not.

ALFIE SNIFFLESS

ALFIE
Why isn’t he decaying, Neige?

NEIGE
I don’t know.

ALFIE
Could you risk it?

NEIGE
I’ll remind you that I loved him, too. It was different but it was still love.

ALFIE
I– I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean–

NEIGE
Elaborate. What didn’t you mean?

ALFIE
You– it’s. There’s times when you talk like I’m already dead. Like– like you’re always thinking about how things will look to you when they become the past, even when they’re happening.

NEIGE
Oh.

ALFIE
Sorry.

NEIGE
No. No, perhaps you’re right and I am guilty of this. Perhaps. Perhaps.

ALFIE
I’m sorry.

NEIGE
Please. Whatever this is, grief or not, I don’t like what it is doing to you. I don’t like how it’s twisting you. You’re becoming obsessed and I– I can’t carry on like this, in such proximity to you exhibiting this behaviour. The last time I saw you look alive was when we caught Sherman and that– that does not feel right.

ALFIE
What do you mean?

NEIGE
At first it was good, non? You seemed to take a real interest. I can get on board for revenge, Alfie, but. I don’t think that is what you want, is it?

ALFIE
I don’t know what I want.

NEIGE
No. You don’t. That’s okay.

ALFIE
What do you want?

NEIGE
Me?

ALFIE
I’m not fucking talking to Casper, am I?

NEIGE
Not this time.

ALFIE
Neige. Come on.

NEIGE
Mostly I just want it to be alright. To live my life. To get on with it.

ALFIE
To get on with it?

NEIGE
Oui? What is wrong with that?

ALFIE
Just. You make it sound like you’re gritting your teeth to get through the day, is that really how you live? How you have lived, for ten thousand fucking years?

NEIGE
I do not know! I do not know. Why are you asking me this, eh?!

ALFIE
Fucking hell, man, you were asking me!

NEIGE
It’s a stupid fucking question.

ALFIE
It was your fucking question.

NEIGE
Then perhaps I am stupid.

ALFIE
You’re not.

NEIGE
At times I have wondered if this is the secret to my longevity, non?

ALFIE
What is?

NEIGE
An absence of thinking.

ALFIE
Oh, fuck off. You think way hard about stuff. You’re just. I don’t know.

NEIGE
Non, continuer, what am I?

ALFIE
You’re like. Straightforward about stuff.

NEIGE
Simple.

ALFIE
No. I mean you. Like. Fuck, this is too hard.

NEIGE
I am grateful that you try to save my self-esteem. You are kind. I respect this about you.

ALFIE
You’re kind, too.

NEIGE
Am I? That is interesting. I do not think Casper would have agreed with you.

ALFIE
Well, maybe not. But. You know.

NEIGE
I do not know.

ALFIE
It’s like you said. Casper was an idiot.

NEIGE
Ah.

ALFIE HUMS A NOTE OF LAUGHTER

NEIGE’S VOICE CATCHES IN HIS THROAT

ALFIE
Neige–

NEIGE
I didn’t want it to be this way. I tried very– I tried so hard to keep him safe.

ALFIE
I know you did.

NEIGE
No. You don’t understand. You don’t get it. You will never get it!

ALFIE
What won’t I get! Talk about double fucking standards, Christ! Stop being such a fucking nob and just tell me!

NEIGE
Ugh.

ALFIE
You protected him from something. I– I listened back to the tapes. When we first met, you told me you cleaned up his messes. What did you mean by that?

NEIGE
Ugh, Casper, he– he had a way. He had a way of getting himself to these, uh, situations.

ALFIE
What do you mean?

NEIGE
I can’t do this in here.

ALFIE
Yeah. Yeah, okay.

DOOR OPENS

FOOTSTEPS

ALFIE
Come in here. I started the fire.

NEIGE
Oh. Good. That’s. Yes. Good.

ALFIE
Why are you looking at me like that?

NEIGE
I’m just– you’ve done something which could be argued to be kind to yourself. This is a good thing.

ALFIE
Yeah well.

NEIGE
Well.

ALFIE
Come in, then.

FOOT STEPS

A FIRE CRACKLES SOFTLY

NEIGE
Ah. It’s warm. It’s nice that it’s warm.

ALFIE
I suppose I just never think to. You know. Be warm. But it is nice, yeah.

MOVEMENT

ALFIE
Sit down. Tell me about Casper.

NEIGE
He has always had an habit of getting himself into these positions…

ALFIE
Mm. He was pretty flexible.

NEIGE
Oui, he was. And an excellent follow. But that is not what I meant.

ALFIE
He was a good follow, for you?

NEIGE
Sometimes.

ALFIE
Intriguing.

NEIGE
He was flexible, as you say. How was he with you?

ALFIE TAKES A BREATH

ALFIE
Um. Careful.

NEIGE
The marks on your neck tell otherwise.

ALFIE
Hah. No, they really don’t. I’d be dead if he wasn’t careful, wouldn’t I?

NEIGE
Yes. I suppose you would.

ALFIE
I bet everyone’s a follow for you.

NEIGE LAUGHS INDULGENTLY

NEIGE
And why is that?

ALFIE
Well. You’re you, aren’t you?

NEIGE
And what am I supposed conclude from that, hm?

ALFIE
You’re just. You’re very.

NEIGE
Not this again. Surely we have progressed beyond the size of my–

ALFIE
Neige. Firstly, it’s unlikely that is something I’ll ever forget about. And secondly that’s not what I meant. And you know it. And you’re hiding.

NEIGE
I am, aren’t I? Funny how you see this. Funny.

ALFIE
Just learned how to look.

NEIGE
Yes. You have.

ALFIE
Why do you look worried?

NEIGE
You remember what I said? How it’s nice you do not know? How I’m being selfish?

ALFIE
Yeah. I remember.

NEIGE
I am a selfish creature. Let me hide, please. Just for a little. Just whilst I can.

ALFIE
Okay.

NEIGE
Merci.

ALFIE
Mercy indeed.

NEIGE
This is not what you want to know about, is it? You wanted to know about Casper and his proclivity for situations.

ALFIE
I– I don’t know. Do I want to know about Casper’s situations?

NEIGE
I cannot answer this for you, petit chou.

FIRE CRACKLES

ALFIE
Why did you go to him?

NEIGE
Ah. You won’t let me hide twice, I suppose.

ALFIE
Nope. Sorry.

NEIGE
Lies, you are not remotely sorry.

ALFIE
You’re right, I’m not. But I let you hide all the time. Way more than I try to chase you out.

THE FIRE CRACKLES

NEIGE
I thought you might– I figured you might be grateful for some time with me out of earshot.

ALFIE
Hmm. Were you? Out of earshot?

NEIGE
Mostly.

ALFIE
God. Things are so fucking complicated.

NEIGE
Always. Always.

ALFIE
What messes did you have to clean up for Casper.

NEIGE
Well. What a question. Blood. Spit. Other bodily–

ALFIE
Neige!

NEIGE
My apologies. In defence, I am distracted.

ALFIE
By what?

NEIGE
You look rather delicious in the firelight. It brings this sort of– there is a flush in your cheeks. I can smell yesterday’s hunt on you.

ALFIE
You can?

NEIGE
Mmm. You’ve come a long way. You’re getting good at it, the hunt. I would let you bite me in a second.

ALFIE
Yeah well. You’ve never been that difficult to convince of that, to be honest. I wonder how much of a vampire you really are.

NEIGE
I’m quite a lot of vampire. You say you will not forget this but you see?! I do have to remind you.

ALFIE GIGGLES

ALFIE
You’re ridiculous.

NEIGE
And proud of it.

ALFIE
Hmm. It’s quite a triumph.

NEIGE
What is?

ALFIE
The way you are. You’re so… I don’t. Know. What you want from me.

NEIGE
What would I want from you, Alfie?

ALFIE
That’s what I mean, I just. I don’t know.

NEIGE
I want exactly what you want to give me. I will take nothing more, and often less, if I think it will be safer.

ALFIE
Ha. Why do you get to be the one who decides what’s too much?

NEIGE
Because I am so very, I suppose.

ALFIE
That you are, Neige.

FIRE CRACKLES

NEIGE
You feel lost and afraid of yourself, still. You are scared of what you could become if you were left to make all the choices. You fear that the space inside of you is so wide and so deep that you could drink the world dry and never be sated. I decide because you need a hand on the back of your neck, not to tell you when to stop, but to remind you that you can, and you will.

ALFIE
How do you know I will?

NEIGE
Because I will fucking tell you to if you don’t. That is why.

FIRE CRACKLES

NEIGE
My my. Your eyes are red, Alfie. Are you going to hunt me?

ALFIE MAKES A FLUSTERED LITTLE GASP

NEIGE HUMS

NEIGE
Come, lie here with me.

ALFIE
But you– last night. Afterwards. You said about me pushing for something you couldn’t offer.

NEIGE
Do I look pushed to you?

THE FIRE CRACKLES.

NEIGE
Look at me, Alfie. Do I look pushed?

ALFIE
No.

NEIGE

So will you come to me?

ALFIE
Alright.

MOVEMENT. THE FIRE CRACKLES.

NEIGE
Salut.

ALFIE
Hi.

NEIGE
What is it you are thinking?

ALFIE
Um.

NEIGE
Don’t edit, just answer.

ALFIE
We’re close now.

NEIGE
We are.

ALFIE
Like last night.

NEIGE
Yes.

ALFIE
Exactly like last night?

NEIGE
Do you want it to be?

ALFIE
I don’t. I don’t know.
(pause)
Can I see the mark?

NEIGE
Yes.

SOUNDS OF MOVEMENT

NEIGE
Your handiwork. Does it meet your intentions?

ALFIE
I don’t know what my intentions were, to be honest.

NEIGE
You wanted my attention. This certainly got it, unsubtle though your methods may have been.

ALFIE
It’s redder than I thought it would be. And it’s flat. I thought it would be raised.

NEIGE
Ah, no, you may not have tongued this bite mark shut, but the others you’re looking at are… they were given to me in very specific circumstances.

ALFIE
You didn’t want them?

NEIGE
No.

ALFIE
What if I bit every one and licked them shut?

NEIGE
You would do that?

ALFIE
If it helped.

NEIGE
Perhaps some time we can try, with one. To see if it will make the mark fade.

ALFIE
I’m sorry you got hurt like that.

NEIGE
Me too. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt in ways you didn’t like, too.

ALFIE
Yeah.

NEIGE
Do you want to talk about it?

ALFIE
What?

NEIGE
Last night.

ALFIE
Fuck you, Neige.

NEIGE
You did, yes.

ALFIE
Neige!

NEIGE
That is my name, oui.

ALFIE
Fucking idiot.

NEIGE
Perhaps.

LONG MOMENT OF QUIET. THE FIRE CRACKLES.

ALFIE
Remember in the beginning. When you brought me here. When we slept on the floor together.

NEIGE
I do. I will remember that for as long as my mind will let me hold onto it.

ALFIE SIGHS

NEIGE
Quoi?

ALFIE
You’re doing it again. You’re. You’re talking about the future like you know I won’t be in it. You’re not a prophet. Stop talking like we’re in the past. We’re not.

NEIGE
I know. I feel alarmingly present.

ALFIE
I’m still angry.

NEIGE
I know.

ALFIE
Are you dazzling me on purpose, now?

NEIGE
Am I dazzling you?

ALFIE
Come on, you must know it.

NEIGE
I do not. Pardonne-moi. Did I dazzle you last night?

ALFIE
No. Maybe. Yes. But, you’re just so. So.

NEIGE
So what?

ALFIE
You’re warm. It makes you smell like… I don’t. Pine. Mint. How can you smell warm and cold at the same time? It’s maddening.

NEIGE HUMS

ALFIE
Ah, stop looking so pleased with yourself. What about you? What are you thinking?

NEIGE
Bite your lip.

ALFIE
What? Neige–

NEIGE
Bite it.

ALFIE
Um. Okay?

NEIGE
Good. Harder.

ALFIE
Ow.

NEIGE
Very good. Look at that. Your blood smells different when you’re warm, too.

ALFIE
What do I smell like?

NEIGE
Earth after rain. Fine brandy. A twist of winter chill, like frost clinging to the first peaches of spring, flesh so soft it bursts before you bite it and leaves sticky juice running all down your chin.

ALFIE
Oh.

NEIGE
You’re going to turn off the recording now and lie here with me, like this.

ALFIE
Am I?

NEIGE
Only if you want to.

ALFIE
Okay.

NEIGE
Turn the recording off, because it is a thing we make for the future, and everything on it will be the past. I will show exactly what I want from you. Unsubtly.

[END]