An Episode of Not Quite Dead.

Episode Content Warnings

Please bear in mind that this show is a work of horror fiction and frequently places characters in situations which jeopardise their psychological and physical health. This episode contains:

References to death, grief and loss

Mentions of childhood illness, including hospital treatments and seizures

Mentions of potential child neglect and endangerment

Mentions of self-harm (cigarette burns)

Mentions of blood

References to suicidal ideation

Emotional distress

Mentions of intent to kill

Scenes with sexual undertones

Biting (with sounds)

Transcript

NEIGE
We should stop at a hotel. 

ALFIE
Why? 

NEIGE
So you can rest. 

ALFIE
I don’t need to rest. 

NEIGE
At least let me drive. 

ALFIE
You hate driving. 

NEIGE
It’s been six hours.

ALFIE
We stopped for petrol. 

NEIGE
Oui, je sais. It will be sunrise soon and I just wonder if— 

ALFIE
Crash on the backseat if you’re tired. Just let me drive! I just want to keep driving. I need to keep going. We need to go. 

NEIGE
We are going. I just think it would be good to—

BRAKES AND TYRES SCREECH. 

NEIGE
Putain! Bîte! 

ALFIE
What?! What’s the problem?! You want me to stop, there! I’ve fucking STOPPED. 

NEIGE
Alfie. 

ALFIE
Stop it, STOP IT. 

NEIGE
I didn’t— 

ALFIE
SHUT UP. FUCKING SHUT UP. 

A CAR DOOR CLICKS OPEN. 

ALFIE
Neige? 

NEIGE
You need some space. 

ALFIE
I’m sorry. Come back.

NEIGE
Non. 

ALFIE
I’m sorry.

NEIGE
Ugh.

NEGE SITS BACK IN THE CAR. ALFIE TAKES A DEEP BREATH

ALFIE
Fuck. 

NEIGE
Yes indeed. 

ALFIE
Did you know? 

NEIGE
No. I didn’t. But I had a concern.

ALFIE
A concern. What the fuck is that supposed to mean. 

NEIGE
I mean that because of what you said about your childhood, how you were ill so much, and then not at all? It was a concern for me. 

ALFIE
So it occurred to you that I might’ve been involved? 

NEIGE
Did it not occur to you?

ALFIE
No! Of course it fucking didn’t, because I never— I— I didn’t. I never even looked into what happened. I didn’t even fucking ask about it. It was all. It was just. UGH. 

NEIGE
You were a child. It is not your fault.

ALFIE
But then I grew up and I never even thought to— 

(ALFIE LAUGHS BITTERLY)

We just. We never talked about it. I— My mother. It was one of the worst times of her life. That’s really all she ever said to me about it, that it was the worst time of her life. She hated talking about it. And then after dad died it was just. It was more memories about him. She didn’t want— she didn’t want to tell me. 

NEIGE
Maybe speaking to your mother would not have helped. Maybe they played with her memory.

ALFIE
I remember being sick, and scared. I remember pain and tubes and wires and feeling like I was drowning. I don’t remember the seizures but I— I remember afterwards. There’s like. A fog, i-in my memory. These few moments shine out of it and— I don’t know. I don’t— I don’t know. And everyone, my mum especially, she’d go on and on about how lucky I was but I didn’t— I didn’t feel lucky. 

NEIGE
Can you explain what you mean by this? 

ALFIE
I don’t— I don’t know! I just. I— I was so fucking angry and I. I remember I couldn’t do stuff and then I could and all these expectations changed and I was. Like all of a sudden I was expected to act like it’d never happened and even though it was all fuzzy and I don’t really remember any of it properly, it’s. I wasn’t normal, alright?! I didn’t have a childhood like other people had, and everyone just wanted me to pretend like that was fine and like who I was and everything that happened didn’t even matter anymore, and they all wanted me to just. Become this other kid, this kid who’d never been through that, but I wasn’t that kid! I didn’t know about school or friends or people and I was so fucking stupid compared to everyone else and I. 

NEIGE
You are not stupid. 

ALFIE
I know, I know! I just. I’d been sick all that time and I was so behind everyone else. And I was expected to just be normal and fine and I was having all these remedial lessons and my parents were at the school being all puzzled like ‘oh we’ll do what we can to help him catch up’, and at the same time Grace really WAS normal and fine and she was just, SOARING, top of her class in everything, awards on the fridge and I. FUCK. 

And then mum and dad were having Tammy and there was a baby all of a sudden and nobody cared that I wasn’t. I wasn’t fucking coping. Because there wasn’t TIME to care. There wasn’t even time to notice. So nobody noticed that I was so unhappy or that I was stealing my dad’s cigarettes and sneaking out in the middle of the night and burning stupid circles into my stupid fucking arms and it’s not their fault they didn’t notice because there was so much going on and there just wasn’t time. 

NEIGE
Breathe, little one. 

ALFIE
I can’t— I— c—can’t. 

NEIGE
You can. You have no need to, not if you don’t want to. But you can. If will feel better if you do. Will you try it? 

ALFIE DRAWS A SHAKY BREATH

NEIGE
I am glad you want to try this. Thank you. 

ALFIE
Stop being so fucking nice to me. 

NEIGE
Why? 

ALFIE
I— I don’t know. 

NEIGE
You deserve kindness. You deserve patience. You deserve this. 

ALFIE
No. No. 

NEIGE
Can I take your hand, sil vous plait? 

ALFIE
Yeah. 

NEIGE
Merci. I am here with you. You are allowed to talk about this. I will tell you if you cross a line. I swear it. I am sorry people did not look out for you as they should have. I wonder if some of this is because of Bonham. But it was not all because of him. You are important. They were supposed to see you. They didn’t. And that is something you are allowed to have feelings about, whatever they are. 

[ALFIE LETS OUT A SHAKY BREATH]

ALFIE
I felt like I didn’t exist. Like I hadn’t ever really existed. And the more I hurt myself and nobody did anything, the worse it felt and it went on and on and on and they just never even looked up. And I— I get it. I should have been able to take care of myself, and there was a literal actual baby right there. Who gives a shit about my stupid problems? 

NEIGE
Me. 

[ALFIE SIGHS]

ALFIE
Well. Thanks. 

It’s not Tammy’s fault. I love them so much. So does Grace and so does mum and so did dad but then. Then dad was dead and I wished I was fucking dead too. 

Sorry. I’m sorry. I should shut the fuck up, this doesn’t matter. I’m so fucking sorry. 

NEIGE
Non, non, bijou. There is no need for apologies about this. Not now. Not ever. Okie? There is much I cannot understand about your life but this? This part I understand.

ALFIE
Fucking FUCK. 

NEIGE
Are you hurt? 

ALFIE
What? No— oh. I. There was a scar there, on my chest, I remember IV lines, vaguely. Casper, he bit across them. Licked it shut. There’s nothing there now. Just. Nothing. 

NEIGE
Did you ask him to do that? 

ALFIE
No. But I don’t think it was deliberate. He bit me there a lot. 

NEIGE
From the state of you he bit you everywhere a lot. 

ALFIE
Yeah. Though. Most of those scars are gone now, too. The ones on my thighs, after I got shot, the skin healed back smooth. The one on my neck, my favourite one, the one I used to touch when I— when I started to feel like he wasn’t real. 

NEIGE
I am so sorry all these things happened to you.

ALFIE
Ha. Yeah. In the end that’s what Casper was, wasn’t it? Another thing that happened to me. 

NEIGE
That is not all he was.

ALFIE
Fuck. I’m so angry. 

NEIGE
Je sais. 

ALFIE
That moment in the hospital, the day I met Casper. I’ve thought about it so much. It was like he found me right away. His gaze just settled on mine and it was— it was as if he’d known exactly where to look. 

He’d smelled it. The— the bit of whatever in my fucking spinal fluid. He looked at me the way he did because he knew what I was, what had been done to me.

NEIGE
He would have known Bonham’s rate of success with these experiments was poor. 

[ALFIE SNIFFLES]

ALFIE
So he wanted to leave me alone because he didn’t want to interfere. 

NEIGE
Who knows what he wanted. 

ALFIE
You know he didn’t tell me he loved me until a week before I— 

NEIGE
Oh, Alfie. 

ALFIE
I— I can’t. He implied it a bunch of times. He said he loved things about me, you know? Sometimes when I said ‘I love you’ he’d. Ugh it doesn’t matter! Why am I fucking talking about this. 

NEIGE
Because he has hurt you. 

[A LITTLE SOB BUBBLES OUT OF ALFIE]

ALFIE
He has. 

NEIGE
He loved you. 

ALFIE
You don’t know that. 

NEIGE
I am certain of it. 

ALFIE
How. 

NEIGE
I listened to the tapes. 

ALFIE
Yeah well! I fucking. Editorialised! I left out all out stupid fucking fights. I’m such a coward I didn’t even properly talk about the time I asked him to make me a vampire the first time and I— ugh. 

NEIGE
It is normal to leave some parts out of a telling. You cannot possibly contain the whole of how it was with someone in something as symbolic as words. They are so context-dependent. Even if you get close to describing what you felt or experienced, the best you can hope is the person listening will have enough knowledge of the words, of the world, to interpret you close to accurately. 

ALFIE
So what’s the fucking point in talking about anything?

NEIGE
That is like asking what is the point of being alive. 

ALFIE
What is the fucking point. 

NEIGE
Oh lala. Mon râleur. 

ALFIE
Why couldn’t he just be FUCKING NORMAL. 

NEIGE
You would not have liked him if he was. 

ALFIE
Are— are you fucking— what are you even—

NEIGE
I mean exactly as I say. If he was normal you would not have liked him. You don’t like normal. 

ALFIE
What the fuck is that supposed to mean? 

NEIGE
Your current partner is me. An outlier in so many senses it is almost pointless to express them. 

ALFIE
But. 

NEIGE
Don’t drag yourself over the coals about this, it is simply fact. If he was normal, you wouldn’t have liked him. This does not excuse his behaviour. Involved in what happened to you when you were a child or not. 

A MOMENT OF QUIET

ALFIE
I. I hadn’t even thought about whether he’d been involved. 

NEIGE
We think they were not working together by then. But we do not know it for certain, especially not with what Casper had been doing with those soldiers in the war. 

ALFIE
Yeah. 

[NEIGE GROWL-SIGHS]

NEIGE
Would reading the file help? 

ALFIE
It’s a six hour drive to go back for it. 

NEIGE
Non. I brought it with us. 

ALFIE
I. I don’t. 

NEIGE
Would you like to be alone? 

ALFIE
I. Maybe. Yeah. 

NEIGE
For posterity I feel I ought to point out, the phone on your dashboard is still recording and has been since we left the gas station. 

ALFIE
Yeah, I. I thought I was going to. I don’t know. 

NEIGE
Maybe you should. Maybe it would help. I find it can help me find the words, when otherwise I am struggling. 

ALFIE
Yeah? 

NEIGE
Oui. 

ALFIE
Okay. You won’t go far, will you? 

NEIGE
I’ll be in earshot. 

ALIFE
Mine or yours? 

NEIGE
Mine. But I can stay in yours if you’d prefer. I’d come if you called regardless. 

ALFIE
I know. I just want to know you’re safe. 

NEIGE
Comprend. It is in the glove compartment. 

ALFIE
Okay. 

NEIGE
I love you. I am right here. 

ALFIE
I love you too. I know. 

NEIGE GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND CLOSES THE DOOR. HE RUNS OFF. 

ALFIE TAKES A STEADYING BREATH. HE OPENS THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT. 

ALFIE
Right. Right. Yeah. I’m normal about this. Yeah. I can be normal about it. 

PAPER SHIFTS

ALFIE
Well. There’s the consent form. Mum and dad’s signatures, right there. Plain as day. Um. Then, my mum is giving my history, I guess.

Okay I can’t read this, I can’t, there should be— 

[PAGES MOVE]

Yeah. A clinical summary. Good. Cool. Better. Presenting with alymphocytosis at nine months. Nine months. I was a literal fucking baby. Okay. Right. Right. Um. Alymphocytosis, characterised by frequent illnesses, treated with a partially matched bone marrow transplant from my dad at eleven months. Seemed to get better, got really bad graft versus host when I was two, and then a bone marrow transplant when I was. Five. Jesus. Christ. Um. Then two years after that, that’s when Bonham got involved. 

Right. Jesus, okay. Okay. 

I’m breathing and I’m here and nothing bad is happening. I’m safe and Neige is safe and there is nobody here but is. It’s just us. We’re the only ones here except the birds and the bugs and the little creatures in their warm little nests with their little tiny fast-beating hearts. They’re alive and I’m alive and we’re here and Neige is here and it’s all okay. 

Right, right right. So they. Haemaprosthesis. Some. Blood. Labeled with this complicated sequence of numbers and letters. In. My spinal fluid. And. Cool. In observation for a hundred days in an induced coma because of the volumes used, treated in conjunction with. Another fucking bone marrow transplant. Unspecified donor. 

And it sounds like they— they might’ve literally just. Replaced all my blood. Which. Insane. Actually insane. Actually fucking insane, this just. I should be dead, I should literally be fucking dead. Literally. I should be dead. 

Another hundred days of observation. My blood pressure was so low all the time, I kept needing more— more blood. 

They started to anticipate I was going to be a failure. I wasn’t reacting like they’d expected but they really weren’t sure what to expect entirely given I had come to them having had two – TWO – fucking bone marrow transplants at that point and I should have already been fucking dead. 

And then. I just. Started getting better. They ran a bunch of tests. They wanted to keep me longer, they— they wanted to keep observing me because I was supposed to die and then I just started getting better. And my immune system seemed to be working, and it— I was. It was okay. I was okay. I was getting fucking better. 

I was getting better. 

And when they couldn’t— they. 

They. Fucking. Told my parents. To move to York. So they could monitor me from their facility there. 

They told my parents. 

To move to York. 

They told them. 

They made— 

That is. My whole fucking LIFE. 

MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE .

[PAPER CRUNCHES ALFIE BREATHES HEAVILY.]

ALFIE
Please, please. Please come back. Please come back. 

My whole life. My whole life. 

[FOOTSTEPS]

[THE CAR DOOR OPENS]

NEIGE
Come here, come here. 

ALFIE
My whole life, my whole life, they curated my whole fucking life, I’m not real. I’m not a real person. My whole life. 

NEIGE
Of course you are real. I am holding you in my arms, I feel you against my chest. 

ALFIE
I don’t exist. 

NEIGE
Darling, darling, you do. I promise you do. 

ALFIE
I should be dead. 

NEIGE
I am thousands of years old. Do not tell me such a thing as that. Do not tell me who should be dead and who should be alive. There is no should. There is only living and being dead. That is all. Okie? 

ALFIE
But. Bonham saved my life. 

NEIGE
You owe him nothing. 

ALFIE
I— I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. 

NEIGE
You are. You have been. You are doing. 

ALFIE
I don’t want to. 

NEIGE
There is no other choice. It is this or death. That is all there is. This or death. 

ALFIE
I don’t want to die, I don’t want him to have saved me, I don’t want it. I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this. FUCK. 

NEIGE
What can I do? 

ALFIE
I don’t. I don’t know. 

NEIGE
Let me drive. 

ALFIE
Okay. 

[MOVEMENT. THE CAR STARTS UP. THEY START TO DRIVE.]

ALFIE
Where are we going? 

NEIGE
To kill someone. 

ALFIE
What? 

NEIGE
You heard me. 

ALFIE
I don’t want— I don’t want to kill anyone, I— 

NEIGE
Shut up. Yes you do. You want to kill Bonham but we don’t know where Bonham is. But there is someone nearby to here whose knowledge is useless to us but. They were probably there. When you were there. 

ALFIE
Oh. 

NEIGE
We don’t have to kill them. 

ALFIE
Oh. 

NEIGE
Do you want to kill something? 

ALFIE
I don’t. I don’t know. I don’t know. 

NEIGE
I want to kill something. 

ALFIE
Someone. They’re a person. Whatever they did they’re still a person. 

NEIGE
Not for long. 

ALFIE
Neige!

NEIGE
You don’t want to do this. 

ALFIE
No! No I don’t. I don’t. 

NEIGE
Okay. Okay. 

ALFIE
I’m sorry. 

NEIGE
Why? 

ALFIE
I. You’re so angry. 

NEIGE
Of course I am angry. 

ALFIE
I. I just thought. 

NEIGE
YOU THOUGHT I WOULD NOT CARE? 

ALFIE
No? 

NEIGE
What else were you going to say, then? Hmm? You think I— I am immune to— Alfie I am fucking furious. 

ALFIE
I’m sorry. 

NEIGE
It’s not your fault. And it is not about me. This is not about me. Desole. Desole. 

ALFIE
You can have feelings about it. 

NEIGE
Not right now. Non. I’m not being fair. I’m not being fair. 

ALFIE
Who gives a shit about being fair? 

NEIGE
I need to do something. I’m sorry. 

ALFIE
Does it have to be murder? 

NEIGE
No. 

ALFIE
Okay, good. That’s great. 

NEIGE
Ach, degoutant. I revile myself for this response. 

ALFIE
No. I. Thanks. For giving a shit. 

NEIGE
That is the saddest thing I’ve ever—

ALFIE
What? What is it? 

NEIGE
You thanked me for— ah, mon raleur. Mon raleur. Mon raleur. 

ALFIE
What? 

NEIGE
Please tell me what you need before I lose my mind. 

ALFIE
Are there hotels? 

NEIGE
Uh. I think there is one. There is a town. It is not on our route. 

ALFIE
I want to shower. I want to sit in the shower. Please. 

NEIGE
Okie. Okie. 

ALFIE
I need like. Two days. In a hotel. With a shower. And you. Okay? 

NEIGE
Oui. D’accord. 

ALFIE
Thank you. 

NEIGE
It would be easier for me to kill someone. 

ALFIE
You still can. If you need that. 

NEIGE
Non. Non. This is not about me. This should not be about me. 

ALFIE
You try so hard not to kill people usually. 

NEIGE
It is just not very convenient. You kill people, there are bodies, then what are you supposed to do? What use is a corpse?! They just lie around and start to smell. 

ALFIE
You don’t kill people just because it’s inconvenient to get rid of them after? 

NEIGE
I. Non. This is not the whole truth. 

ALFIE
I know, kitten. 

NEIGE
I am not a kitten I am fucking mountain lion, I could rip off your—

ALFIE
Rip off my head? Yeah. Well. Please don’t. It sucked last time that happened. 

NEIGE
I should not be flippant about this. 

ALFIE
I would rather you weren’t. Yeah. 

NEIGE
Ach. ACH. 

ALFIE
Same. 

[PAUSE]

ALFIE
I miss your hair. 

NEIGE
It is still there. 

ALFIE
I miss when it was longer. 

NEIGE
Me too. 

ALFIE
You could have just tied it back. 

NEIGE
Ah, non. This is a bad idea. I’ve tried this and it was worse, if anything, though at least it did not keep getting in my eyes.

ALFIE
You have such pretty eyes. 

NEIGE
Red, like this? 

ALFIE
I like them both ways. Pretty blue and gorgeous scarlet. All of it. All of you. 

NEIGE
Last time I cut my hair this short, I was going to kill Claudio. 

ALFIE
God. So. When you turned up at Inna’s. 

NEIGE
I looked how I had when she had first met me. 

ALFIE
Fuck. Though. I should have said this before, but. You were in a bit of a state. They were using they them pronouns, I think. Not exclusively but. You don’t seem to know. So now you know. 

NEIGE
Insanity to care about this. They had ripped off your fucking head. 

ALFIE
Yeah well. Even evil little fucks deserve us to get their pronouns right. 

NEIGE
Absurd that you would point this out. But you are right. 

ALFIE
Again. 

NEIGE
This keeps happening. It really must be the end of the world. 

ALFIE
Hell isn’t so much freezing over as it’s getting snowed in. 

NEIGE
Ha. Very funny. 

ALFIE
I can be, you know. I just haven’t had much opportunity recently. 

NEIGE
I wish none of this was happening. But it is. 

ALFIE
Yeah. It is. 

NEIGE
I am sorry. About all of it. About any part I have played in any of it, willing or not. I wish this had not happened. But at the same time I cannot wholly hate Bonham, as much as I want to turn him into scraps of viscera. Because you would not be here without him. 

ALFIE
No, I wouldn’t. 

NEIGE
Don’t be mistaken. I am not grateful. But I am thankful to have you. I’m thankful that Casper led me to you, whatever his reason for doing so. 

ALFIE
What do you suppose that was? 

NEIGE
I cannot fathom. 

ALFIE
No. Nor can I. 

NEIGE
I want to forget about him. But I don’t. All at once. 

ALFIE
Yeah. Yeah, that’s. Yeah. 

[NEIGE STOPS THE CAR]

NEIGE
We should go to a shop. Before the hotel. 

ALFIE
Why? 

NEIGE
Supplies. 

ALFIE
For what? 

NEIGE
I. 

ALFIE
Neige? 

NEIGE
I won’t touch you if you don’t want that. 

ALFIE
Would it help? 

NEIGE
Me, or you? 

ALFIE
Dunno. 

NEIGE
I want to remind you that you exist. 

ALFIE
By fucking my brains out? 

NEIGE
Whatever you want, I will do it. 

ALFIE
I. I could maybe be persuaded? Especially if there is a bath. 

NEIGE
We can get a room with a bath I think. I would kill someone to get us a room with a bath if you want that. 

ALFIE
No— no let’s just. Get one the normal way. 

NEIGE
Know I would kill someone. 

ALFIE
I know. I know. 

NEIGE
It is important that you understand— 

ALFIE
That you’re very dangerous and a loaded weapon and you’ll do whatever I want, I know, I know. I just. I need you to be here. Like actually here, right now, with me. Not. Posturing. 

NEIGE
Posturing. 

ALFIE
Yeah. 

NEIGE
I. Do you know— 

ALFIE
No, no I don’t know how many people you’ve killed and I don’t fucking care. Do you want to fuck me or not? 

NEIGE
Very much so. 

ALFIE
Then stop— stop thinking about yourself like— goddamn it. I— I know! I know what you are. You’re a fucking vampire, I know! I am a vampire, too! You’re older than me and better at it than me and you could snap me like a twig if you wanted and that’s very fucking hot because I know you actually won’t. I know you’re dangerous. I get it. I comprend. Okay? 

NEIGE
Are you angry with me? 

ALFIE
I don’t know. 

NEIGE
I want to bite you. 

ALFIE
Yeah? 

NEIGE
I do. I wish to bite you hard, though, comprend?

ALFIE
Okay. 

[MOVEMENT]

NEIGE
You are sure? 

ALFIE
Yeah. Oh you’re— you’re getting into my lap— oh—

TEETH SINK INTO FLESH. 

ALFIE
Oh, oh god. Oh god. Neige, NEIGE— 

NEIGE
Mm, oui? 

ALFIE
What— what was— 

ALFIE
Oh christ, oh fuck. 

NEIGE
You exist. Can you taste it? 

[A SMALL KISS]

ALFIE
Mmm— Yeah— yeah. Yeah. You— you too. Jesus. Jesus. 

NEIGE
Don’t bring him into this. I do not want to share right now.

[ALFIE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

ALFIE
My life is insane my life is insane I am going to get whiplash my life is insane. 

NEIGE
Oui. 

ALFIE
Uh. Uh. Hotel. No— shop. Then. Hotel. Good. Bath. Fuck. Fuck. I think there are puncture marks in my fucking muscle, holy fuck. 

NEIGE
Unholy. Unequivocally. 

ALFIE
Yeah— okay. Yeah. 

NEIGE
Shop. Hotel. Bath. Keep reminding you that you are alive. 

ALFIE
Mmm— Please. Please.

NEIGE
Okie. Let’s go. 

[END]