Not Quite Yet.

Trailer for Not Quite Dead.

Hello, my name is Alfie and I’m not quite dead.


I’m Alfie and if you’re listening to this tape I’m probably dead or. Not quite dead, but in a different kind of way, and. Jesus this all sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?


This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Did I think it would be easy to write my own obituary? Is that was this even is?

Honestly, I didn’t give it much thought before I sat down I just knew I had to say something, leave a little piece of me behind, you know?

So, the basics; I’m Alfie. I used to be an A&E nurse, but now I’m just. Me. I haven’t left my flat in, uh, eight days? I think I’m dying– I know I’m dying. I should be dead already, really but. I’m not. And There’s been a lot going on, honestly, and I just need to say this all now, before I make any decisions, because whatever I choose, I’m dead or undead, and either way I’m pretty sure none of this is going to matter to me so much after that.

Whatever it is that’s happening to me now, it’s important that people know. Not because I’m important, I am really, really not. But this is. So, yeah. If you could just make sure my mum and my sisters don’t hear this tape? That’d be great. Yeah. Anonymise me or whatever. Call me, I dunno, Ben or something. Yeah. Ben. Ha. And Casper can be Bill.

Wait, no there’s already a vampire called Bill, isn’t there. Wasn’t he confederate or something?

Ah, I’m really waffling aren’t I?

Mum always says that I worry too much about whether people like me, she’d say like ‘christ Alfie, you’re picking up your anti-depressants not doing an improv bit’, and I’d be like ‘why not both’.


Well. Poor Darla the pharmacist won’t have to deal with my terrible customer service stand up routines anymore so there is good to come out of this situation after all.

I think I got this dictaphone to do poetry. God. I will spare you my slam poetry phase, nobody needs that in their life.

God none of this is important and I need to get this out, I need to, and there are only snatches now where I’m awake enough to speak, and I think it’s only going to get worse. So.


I’ve lived in York for almost twenty years, right now I’m twenty nine, and in approximately… four and a half days, when my supply of this… blood runs out, I’m going to either die, or become something… else.

I’m getting ahead of myself.

I need to start at the beginning, so you understand what happened.

And the beginning, for me, was the people with the torn out throats. The first one was the girl on the gurney.

PIPPIN, OUT OF CHARACTER: Not Quite Dead is a new podcast from Pippin Eira Major, creator of Spirit Box Radio and Clockwork Bird, launching Halloween 2022, previewing in the Spirit Box Radio feed on 27th November 2022.