Vengeance is a dish best served cold. Vindication is a beverage best served at room temperature. Violence is a vol u vent best served hot, straight out of the oven. Stick around for more helpful hints on how to serve common emotion potions, welcome back to Spirit Box Radio.
[INTRO MUSIC]
Hello faithful listeners!
So many of you have turned your efforts to tracking down Jinghua and her friend Ellen, who I mentioned in last week’s episode. Belinda who also lives in Birmingham reported that there has been a missing persons’ report filed for Jinghua but not for Ellen, but she was able to find some records of Ellen and her family. It looks like there is no report of Ellen having a younger brother who passed away, which is very peculiar. I’ll keep you posted as and when we learn more!
We’re had a letter this week from Martin in Staffordshire asking what to do following an incident he had a few weeks ago.
Martin says:
I was reorganising my altar and accidentally knocked my Baphomet statue on the floor of my studio. The statue was only a cheap one I bought on eBay and the floors in the studio are concrete, and the statue pretty much exploded as soon as it hit the ground. I couldn’t even tell which bits went where when I attempted to repair it.
I really liked the statue; even though it was cheap it had good vibes, and the red eyes really set the whole thing off, so I was really upset that it didn’t look like I was going to be able to fix it. I swept up the pieces and put them in a Tupperware box, intending to give the remains a somewhat proper burial in my back garden, probably by the petunias.
I wasn’t ready to let go right away, so in the meantime, I brought the box into my house and put it on the kitchen windowsill.
My studio is a separate building to my house. I converted it to rehearse in with my band not long after my husband and I moved in. He is not a fan of loud music, especially when it isn’t very good, so I thought it would be kind to move rehearsals out into the garage. I had sound proofing on the walls and installed a nice, thick carpet.
Last April the stream that runs at the end of our garden burst its banks and flooded the studio, so we tore out the carpet. Now devoid of purpose, I thought I’d turn it into a place where my husband and I could go to mediate and what not, either together or in private, and moved my little arcanism altar out of the bedroom and put it out in the studio.
It was actually my husband that bought me the statue. He found it when browsing vintage lamps for redecorating the living room and as it was cheap and he thought I’d like it, he bought it for me. It looked fabulous next to my other statues and crystals, and really set off a good vibe.
Since the statue has been on the kitchen windowsill, however, we’ve noticed some strange things happening in the house.
Food that had only been in the oven a couple of minutes burnt to charcoal. The light in the kitchen blew, and as soon as we fitted a new bulb, that blew, too. We assumed we had faulty wiring and had someone out to look at it, but the electrician said everything was fine. He did, however, start to complain of dizziness, and when my husband made him sit at the dining room table, he suddenly threw up and fled the house. He did ring to apologise, blaming a dodgy tuna sandwich, but I suspect something else is afoot here.
Is it possible this statue had something malevolent trapped inside of it?
Thanks a lot,
From Martin
Thank you, Martin, for writing into the show!
Your studio sounds amazing! Maybe I could do something like that with the living room in this house as I never use it. Or my bedroom, maybe. I’ve not slept in there for a couple of weeks and I feel much better for it. The new old window rattles and keeps me up. Down here, I’m only bothered by waking up sketching, but that happens wherever I sleep! That white door, hey? What a pest.
Anyway, Martin. It sounds like there could indeed have been something trapped in your Baphomet statue. Because of the burning food, it sounds like it could be malevolent. Then again, perhaps it just didn’t like what you were cooking! Still, it’s best to err on the side of caution in cases like this, so the first thing you should do is cast a circle around the box of pieces. This is one of the few things Madame Marie actually taught me how to do, so you’re in luck!
First, draw a circle on the floor – chalk is good for this as it’s absorbent so picks up on vibes pretty easily, but anything will do. Inside this circle, draw another, smaller circle. Now, mark five points inside that smaller circle. Connect them up in the shape of a pentagram.
In the heart of the pentragram, draw the norse rule ‘algiz’, which is just shaped like a capital y with an extra fork in the middle. You can draw move algiz runes in the space between your concentric circles. Next, place a tea light on each corner of your pentagram.
Light the tea lights, being sure to keep your intention to contain the spirit inside the circle clear in your head as you do so. It might help to make up a little chant, something along the lines of ‘I hold you within the confines of this circle, I hold you within the confines of this circle, I hold you within the confines of this circle, I hold you within the confines of this circle’ or similar!
Once your candles are lit, you might feel a little seismic activity or an overwhelming sense of nausea, but don’t worry! That’s normal.
Then, you can tune into Spirit Box Radio and use our continuous broadcast to commune with the spirit.
I hope that helps, Martin! Do let us know how you get on.
Next, the Augury forecast! I found this week’s written on the back page of a book I’ve been reading.
This is a good month to purchase a new umbrella, provided it is not yellow, red, or polkadot. Yellow, red, and polkadot umbrellas purchased this month are likely to break on first use. Avoid yellow, red, and polkadot umbrellas, particularly when near oncoming traffic.
If you’ve been holding back on making a decision for a while, now is the time to make it.
A flock of starlings in Corsica have indicated that the next few weeks are an auspicious time to acquire new furniture.
If your name begins with M, this month you are likely to trip on curbstones, so be careful when crossing roads, particularly when approaching on coming traffic, and especially if you have a yellow, red or polkadot umbrella.
Eggs laid on the last Monday of this month are more likely to have two yolks.
If you live in Bournemouth, don’t. Just, don’t. You know what I’m talking about.
So concludes the augury forecast. Useful advice, as usual!
You know, it’s really quite sad, the state I’ve let things get in since Madame Marie disappeared.
No Salim the Weather Guy means the augury forecasts are few and far between, and no Janet the Tarot Witch left me to try my hand at drawing from the deck, and now I can’t even do that! And Astrid the Janitor was the only person who could read the Crystal Ball we have in the studio. Now I can’t even find it.
I’m trying my best for you, faithful listeners! I’m sure Madame Marie will be back before we know it.
When I visited Oliver the Florist, though, he didn’t seem so sure. He did compliment me on my hosting the show but I think he was just flattering me because he liked my enchanted rose.
I do hope he meant it.
The flattery, not his doubts about Madame Marie returning.
He didn’t say anything, not exactly, it was more the general—
[OLD ROTARY PHONE RINGS]
[AS SOON AS THE PHONE IS LIFTED FROM ITS CRADLE, THE SOUND OF WALKING ON CRUNCHY GRASS STARTS UP, SLIGHTLY TINNY AND CRACKLY IN QUALITY, BROKEN OCCASIONALLY BY THE RUSTLE OF AN ANORAK]
Oh, exciting!
(ANSWERING CLATTER)
Hello, you are live on Spirit Box Radio!
ANNA: I know, Sam. I’ve been trying to phone your mobile since you started broadcasting but it goes straight to answerphone.
SAM: After you and Kitty last dropped by I’ve been turning it off whenever I’m hosting the show.
ANNA: I can’t take it. Am I supposed to just sit here and listen to you talking about how bad you feel about M being gone?
SAM: Have you considered turning the radio off?
ANNA: I can’t! And you know it.
SAM: I don’t?
ANNA: Well you must, because last week when I tried to tune in I couldn’t find the station?
SAM: You forgot the frequency?
ANNA: I did not! I have been listening to M mess with this nonsense since I was ten years old, it’s not something I’d forget lightly. You blocked me, or banned me, or something.
SAM: Anna. This is radio, not, I don’t know. Online things. I can’t ban you. Unless you’re suggesting I did something of an arcane nature.
ANNA: You know full well that’s not what I’m suggesting, because magic—
SAM: does not exist yes, thank you, I’m well aware of your baffling opinion.
ANNA: It’s not baffling, it’s common sense.
SAM: Right, okay.
ANNA: Don’t just dismiss me like that, Sam, this is important.
SAM: What is this, exactly? I don’t know what you’re doing up at the witching hour considering you don’t believe in the arcane and you’ve probably got lawyering to do in the morning or whatever, but I have a show to host, so, unless you have something else to say, I’m going to hang up.
ANNA: You are so ridiculous. You collapse, your nose is streaming blood, you’re so weak you can barely stand, and you insist on hosting this show!
SAM: It’s… it’s actually helping, Anna. Since I started doing the show I feel better and better, every week—
ANNA: And I bet you’re sleeping in that dark, dank basement, aren’t you? And you keep talking about that Florist.
SAM: I have only mentioned him a couple of times!
ANNA: He’s bad news, Sam. Trust me on this.
SAM: Bad news?
ANNA: Yes! I remember him from the days when I wasn’t old enough to avoid M dragging me around with her everywhere she went. And there is something not right about him.
SAM: He seemed fine to me.
ANNA: Well, darling, you’re not the best judge of character are you?
SAM: Hey!
ANNA: Risk assessment has never been your strong suit, that’s all I’m saying. You need to be careful.
[ANNA CONTINUES TO TRUDGE THROUGH THE GRASS, PAUSING BRIEFLY TO WRESTLE A HEDGE, LEAVES CRUNCHING]
SAM: Are you alright?
ANNA: I’m fine, my cardigan just got caught on this hedge.
SAM: Um, where are you?
ANNA: On the way over.
SAM: You don’t sound like you’re in the car.
ANNA: I’m not, am I? I’m on the side of the road. Can’t you hear that dog?
SAM: Uh, no.
ANNA: I’ll put you on speaker
[THE AUDIO QUALITY SHIFTS, THE SOUND OF ANNA’S FOOTSTEPS GETTING LOUDER]
[A DOG BARKS, NEARBY BUT NOT CLOSE, EXACTLY]
SAM: I do hear it.
[THE DOG CONTINUES TO BARK]
ANNA: I almost hit it. Stupid thing was in the middle of the road.
SAM: But you didn’t hit it?
[THE AUDIO QUALITY SHIFTS BACK, THE SOUND OF THE DOG NO LONGER AUDIBLE, ANNA’S FOOTSTEPS MUCH QUIETER AGAIN]
ANNA: No.
SAM: But you’re looking for it.
ANNA: I thought that was pretty obvious.
SAM: But, why?
ANNA: Because! Because.
SAM: Of all of the wonderful things he does?
[ANNA SIGHS. SHE IS TOO STRESSED TO LAUGH BUT THERE IS LEVITY IN HER EXASPERATION]
ANNA: I just want to make sure it’s okay.
SAM: Are you okay?
ANNA: Fine except for — these bloody hedges!
SAM: Can you still here the dog?
ANNA: No. Wait.
[ANNA’S FOOTSTEPS FALTER AS SHE TURNS]
Yes. I can hear it. I think it’s back towards the—
[ANNA STOPS WALKING. INSTEAD, THE SOUND OF WIND IN NEARBY LEAVES SWELLS IN THE SILENCE]
SAM: Anna? Hello? Are you still there? Anna?
ANNA: I’m still here.
SAM: Are you okay?
ANNA: It’s. The dog. It’s dead. But.
SAM: You hit it after all?
ANNA: No, I didn’t, I saw it scamper away out of the beam of the headlights.
SAM: Maybe you caught it with the edge of your bumper or something.
ANNA: I’d have felt that, Sam. And… this dog is very, very dead.
SAM: Could it be a different dog?
ANNA: No. It’s the same dog. It’s wrong. It’s eyes, Sam. It doesn’t have any eyes.
SAM: I mean the barking. The barking could be a different dog.
ANNA: Yeah. Maybe.
[A LOW TREMBLING RUMBLING SOUND STARTS UP]
SAM: Anna, just get in the car. You’re coming here to interrupt my broadcast, right?
ANNA: Right.
[THE RUMBLING INCREASES IN INTENSITY]
SAM: Just get in the car and drive the rest of the way, okay?
[ANNA STARTS WALKING]
[THE RUMBLING SOUND EASES OFF]
SAM: I’ll sit on the wall out front and meet you. How far away are you?
ANNA: Fifteen minutes drive.
SAM: Right. That’s enough time for me to put the kettle on.
ANNA: Yeah, okay. I’ll see you then.
SAM: Good.
[PHONE DISCONNECTS]
SAM: [DEEP BREATH] Okay faithful listeners! I have to go to make sure Anna is okay. Thank you for tuning in, faithful listeners! This has been Spirit Box Radio’s advice and community Segment. I’ve been Sam Enfield, and I’ll speak to you next week! But for now, goodnight!
| Content Warnings |
– Background music of varying volumes
– Dog barking (distant, brief)
– Reference to dog carcass
– References to flooding
– References to vomit (background character, brief, not descriptive, no sound effects)
– Distorted audio
– Abrupt loud sound effects
The original version of this episode mentioned smudging. When the episode was written we were not aware this is a practice with cultural significance in many North American Indigenous tribes, and we’re really sorry for this failure to thoroughly research on our part. The reference has been removed in the remastered version but we feel it is important to leave this note here. Smudging specifically refers to a specific, culturally significant act which was actively suppressed by the government. In future, Spirit Box Radio will refer to the burning of herbs performed in the show more accurately as ‘smoke cleansing’, if at all.
Hanging Sloth Studios 